Hilariousness for my late hump day post

this is from craigslist. It is hilarious! read it all the way through. I will post the contents of the article on here, but I will also include original link. And it is titled:

Vasectomy: $400. Speechless look on her face: priceless.

I’ll try to sum up a funny story that happened a few years ago:

I got a vasectomy.

I met a girl soon afterwards. She was nice and attractive but with a selfish streak that raised a big red flag. She was 32 at the time and I could practically HEAR her biological clock ticking. Regardless, she was a good lay, easy on the eyes, and reasonably good company.

I did NOT tell her about my vasectomy and I always used a condom with her to protect against STDs. She assumed, obviously, that the condom was only used for birth control. Silly girl.

We date for a few months. I never made any move towards commitment but she brought it up ocassionally. For me, this was a casual but pleasant relationship. For her – as I was to find out – it was part of life-changing series of events that she was planning very carefully.

Four months into dating, I get the “I’m pregnant” talk. She’s going on and on about how the condom must have broke and now we really need to think about getting married “for the baby”. She’s positively giddy. She has a baby in her and she thinks she’s gonna have a good meal ticket (me) to go along with her new 7lb annuity.

At this point, I’m just as giddy. I get to pull the reverse “oops” on her. I figured that she slept with some bad boy and got knocked up. Good thing I was using condoms! Better still that I have a serious mistrust of women who can’t think beyond their own uteri.

So I wait a couple of days to “think about all this.” I meet her again. I say I don’t want kids and that she should have an abortion. I know where this is going and sure enough it goes there. She goes completely batshit insane on me. There were the usual insults about my manhood. There were threats of legal action. It was all very ugly and I was loving every minute of it.

Well, I let her stew for a few days. She leaves me nasty messages on my phone. She sends awful emails. I’m laughing hysterically.

It was time to drop the hammer. While she was stewing I was busy. First I get a notarized copy from the urologist who performed the vasectomy. Next I get a notarized copy of the TWO test results indicating a “negative test result for sperm” to show I’m sterile and shooting blanks. Finally, I get a letter from a shark attorney stating he has seen the other documents and is prepared to litigate against this woman if she continues to communicate with me in such an unpleasant manner. Also, the letter states that we will insist on DNA testing to show that the baby is not mine. I’m ready.

I meet with this woman at her place. I bring flowers and a small bit of jewelry to show I am willing to reconcile and assume my responsibilities as a new father. I also have stuck in my pocket the documents I have prepared.

She’s all giddy again. Her plan is going perfectly – or so she thinks. We talk about our future. We have some pretty good sex. Then, as I am about to walk out the door, I ask her the $64,000 question. “Are you sure that this baby is mine?”

Well, she goes batshit insane again. Hell, she ought to. Her plan could completely unravel if there is ANY question about my paternity. Oh, she’s really screaming now. How dare I question her morals. Do I think she’s a slut. I’m just trying to weasel out of my responsibilities… blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda.

I’m not really mad. I’m kind of embarrassed for her. But since she won’t shut up and the neighbors can hear all of this, I ask her to step back inside and sit down. She sits on the sofa and calms down a bit. She is glaring at me with all the moral self-righteousness that only a woman can muster up. She thinks she has me trapped. She is 100% convinced her plan has worked. Oh, the tangled web of lies and deceit she has wrought around herself and I am about to hack through them with a few pieces of paper.

I reach into my pocket slowly. I extract the three pieces of paper and unfold them slowly and deliberately.

I tell her simply, “You’re screwed”.

Her look doesn’t change. There is no way she can fathom what I have prepared.

I continue. “I am sterile”

Her look changes just a bit. Something is beginning to sink in. Naturally, she reverts to women’s logic. “You’re full of shit. You’re trapped and you know it.”

I hold up the letter and the test results. “Three months before we met, I had a vasectomy. Here is a notarized letter from him stating what I had done. Here are two test results showing that I tested negative for the presence of sperm. Blanks. I am shooting blanks. That baby inside you is simply not mine.”

This woman is not to be swayed by logic and clear documentation. “Bullshit, those are fakes.”

I was ready for that. “No, they are real. This last piece of paper is from my attorney. It’s a simple letter to you that states if you pursue any kind of legal action against me for child support that I will insist on a DNA test to prove paternity, that is, to prove that your baby is not mine.”

I give the woman all the documents. She reads them slowly, deliberately. With each passing second she can feel in her soul that she has made a very bad mistake. With denial swept away, she started to cry. It’s a small cry at first. Then it becomes deeper and more painful. By the time she gets to the letter from the lawyer she is sobbing.

I had no sympathy for her. I turned and walked out the door. Even after I closed the door I could still hear her sobbing.

Epilogue –

I never heard directly from this woman again. I did hear through my friends that she did indeed have the baby. I also heard that the real father was some guy in a band she had met. I assumed that after 30, women stopped going after musicians, bikers, criminals, and thugs. Silly me for thinking the best of American women.

The Moral of the Story –

Get a vasectomy but keep it a secret.


Location: Manhood    <—— this is my favorite part!


HILARIOUS!  Hope you guys get to enjoy this! It DEF brought a smile to my face.

All of the MOST awesome people on youtube in 508 seconds

This is actually really cool. Some of the things these people do are quite insane — check it out!

I will bring you funny later….as the work day progresses

Hardcore slackers, throw your hands up!

Hello my fancy friends. How have you guys been these past two weeks?

I’ve been uhhh… slacking, well on the blog front. But at work, I have been SLAMMED! I have worked almost every single day for the past two weeks. In case you didn’t know, had no clue, or didn’t even wonder until now what I do, I make websites. For people. Who have high demands… which in reality is fine, because it provides me with the challenge my life so desperately needs and wants. Funny thing about all of that… I showed my brother one of my sites that I developed (in two days, check it out — it’s for a good cause!  www.takemcalesterback.com) and he said it was amazing and asked why my blog didn’t look like that… we’ll roll with the title of this post. I am a slacker and haven’t had time to do the extreme customization of this site yet. Anyway, it will come… one of these days when I am sitting around, bored, and stuff, but yea…..

so right now, gettin wednesday started off right! jammin out to Northeast Groovers. I have been listening to these guys since high school and they are bad ass. Love their joints. They were the first go-go I ever heard. And if you aren’t from DC and don’t know what go-go is, then go here and check the NE Groovers out.

They been around for EVER!. They were introduced to me in college and I been jammin to em ever since. I think my all time favorite song by them is called “the water”




Trunk Baby Days – watch more funny videos

If you are my mom, don’t watch this. Everyone else, feel free!

Handjob, Bland Job, I Don’t Understand Job – watch more funny videos

humpin with hump day! w00t!

And we are back with another edition of hump day. Before we begin this rendition, I would just like to take a few minutes and let readers know that I appreciate them. And I do so with this amazing image brought to you by the monkeys who make my brain work and stupidvideos.com

One of the best images you could get when you look out the window…a naked man who may have abused your neighbors. much love, and now on to HUMP DAY!

Treadmill fail, the failure happens in the first 20 seconds and then the video keeps going on and on…so ignore the last 20 seconds, but DEF watch the first 20!

Llamas with Hats — EPISODE 2!!!! hells yea!

continuing with Llamas with Hats, episode 3 (prolly the best episode in my opinion)

idioacy at it’s finest

SOOOOOOOOOO…. last night the FIANCEE (cause he isnt my boyfriend anymore…very strange) and I decided to add a little excitement to our otherwise dull evening. Now if you guessed that we went outside and set off a rocket firework (yes from fourth of july and yes we realize it is October…) and shot off our potato gun…. then you were correct.

atomic bomb

atomic bomb style

Last night, we shot off a rocket firework that normally shoots up into the air. But if you have been reading, and/or know me then you know that nothing ever goes normally OR according to plan. So of course I beg to be the one to light it. So we set it up so it has a clear shot into the sky from our driveway last night and go to set it off. Well, one of the rock tail things falls off and it spirals up and over and it was about to hit something and landed in our yard where it fizzled out with very little enthusiasm. It was just weird and anyway, as it was fizzling, the fiancee went over to make sure it was completely out. yknow. only you can prevent forest fires and all that jazz. well only we can start mild fizzling on our front lawn… and then stamp it out, like a good american would.  🙂  so after that amazingly eventful firework rocket, we went to the potato gun.

So we built a potato gun a couple of weeks back and it is basic, (see plans below):

basic potato gun plans

basic potato gun plans

Ours kind of looks like that. Anyway, we have a bag full of potatoes that we have been using as ammo for this gun. Well, Jerid shot off the first potato and all was well and fine, he is very talented; yay potato guns! Well, then lucky me and him! It’s my turn. So I am holding it and I have it ready to go, and we have set up one of those flick starters so it is a little bit of a challenge for my little fingers. Anyway, so he has me all set to go and I have it aimed and I am flicking it, and NOTHING is happening… so I keep flicking… flicking…flicking… and then when I am not holding the potato gun so tight and I am thinking it is never going to go off, the gun goes off and jumps backward almost hitting Jerid in the knee and his car’s bumper… hehe. oops.

anyway, happy monday. sunday night was awesome. oh yea, and the skins won! w00t!