i won the idiot grand prize

Hello all, *crosses legs, removes pipe from mouth, and puts arm down on arm rest of big cushy armchair* and welcome to story hour!  Today I would like to tell you about how I won the idiot grand prize!

Guy smokin a pipe

kinda like this guy, but sitting. in a chair. a big chair

A little background before we begin this little tale. I am taking a java programming class this fall. It is a prereq for the Masters program I would like to enter. I was so excited, that I woke up at midnight on the first day you could register and registered for the class. I had the book three weeks early. I had practically memorized the syllabus! (yea i’m a dork. leave it alone…)

SOOOOOO, it was Monday night, approximately one week ago, and I was starting my class! First night!!!! and I was super psyched to begin! I had read the two chapters that were to be covered in the first module (each module last two weeks). And during class, I am sitting there, watching the other questions my classmates are asking and thinking, that was in the reading or that was in the syllabus! God! Don’t you people read?! I might actually be ahead for like the second time in my life…ever. Anyway, so I am sitting there and I am totally getting smug. Like, Smuggy McSmugerstein smug. This is how class went all week. I was a slacker most of the rest of the week until this weekend, when I began the homework and started the quiz. Now, keep in mind, I am starting the homework and quiz a week early! And when I was working on it, I was writing down questions to ask the prof this past Monday night in class.

Well, Monday night (last night) rolls around, it’s class time, and I am logged on to Adobe Connect, ready for class. I have all of these brilliant questions and I am ready to impress….

Yeaaaaaaa, about ten minutes into class, when only me and 4 of my classmates are there and we are all talking wondering what is going on and where everyone is, I decide to email my prof and see where she is and if class was delayed or what…. She emails me back and says there is only class at the beginning of each two week module as stated per the syllabus. DOH! Idiot style, my palm immediately goes to my forehead. This proceeds to initiate a chain of ten emails going back and forth between my prof and me about the homework.

idioacy

hand to palm style. idiot to the max

To add insult to injury, I emailed her about these loops I thought we weren’t supposed to have learned yet because they are explained approx two chapters later…. yeeeeaaaa, but apparently mentioned at the very end of the second chapter WHICH I READ AND TOOK NOTES ON! wow. just. wow. So I didn’t just idiot it up once last night, but twice! in two MAJORLY obvious ways! GO TEAM IDIOerrrr i mean BECCA!

So yea, I have come to the conclusion that piled on top of the rest of my near 27 years of existence, I have officially won the idiot grand prize for the year and possibly even been elected Sargent at Arms of the ISS (Idiot Secret Society, but shhhh don’t tell anyone)

Happy Tuesday bitches!

Adventures in Garbage

So I actually got up early to go running this morning — big deal cause I was doing it at night, but I started to slack, so switched back to the mornings — and i had an amazing workout. I did a 35 minute sprint pyramid workout. It was pretty awesome. And afterward, I felt great!

So when I come back into my house, I look around and realize the place is a mess. The first thing I decide to do is take out the overflowing garbage…. so where I am currently residing, people take their trash to a dumpster and when the dumpster gets full, the trash people come and pick it up and put an empty trash dumpster in it’s place. Well, I bundle up the trash and wrestle it outside and into a hauling position over my shoulder. I am two, maybe three, steps out the door and I begin to feel something dripping down my  lower back. I think to myself, huh, maybe I am imagining it. Y’know what? I was NOT imagining this drip! It was wet coffee grinds that my boyfriend has so kindly dumped down into the trash bag (in his defense, I am sure he had no idea that they would ever leak as he normally takes the trash out). Leaking. Down my lower back and onto my booty. So here I am walking to the dumpster, sweaty as hell, coffee grinds leaking down my ass (like when I used to work at starf*ckers) and I notice a large mass of gnats surrounding the garbage I am carrying.

Ok, by this point, I have reached the dumpster.Now, at this point, I feel the need to point out that I am super short; like WAY shorter than the dumpster and so I need to throw up and over to get the trash into the dumpster. As I am doing the swing back and then release, I realize the garbage bag isn’t going to make it into the dumpster. Some of the garbage exploded out over the dumpster because the bag landed only 2/3 of the way into the garbage dispensary and so the impact of the top 1/3 that was not in the dumpster through out some of the garbage…. well, some of the papers and stuff pop out on to the grass and some of the coffee grinds are sitting on the rim of the dumpster.

So I bend down to pick up the garbage on the ground because I don’t like to loiter (seriously) and low and behold a gust of wind blows and blows coffee grinds onto my head and being soaked with sweat like I am, these grinds stick to my forehead and in my hair. I run a hand through my hair and immediately let out a string of obscenities.

Some of you might be confused as to why I was so frustrated because I am already sweaty, so I was going to shower anyway….well, I see your point, but it was just NASTY. So with that said, riddle me this Thursday, why you gotta hate?

Thursday, 2; Becca, 0

I will not be defeated damnit!

don’t be a douchebag – the second edition of hump day

So here I was sittin at work today, gettin ready to make this hump day post and what happens?! nothing.

I started class on Monday and it’s online, using Adobe Connect so you have the screen of the teacher and the teacher’s voice and then you have the chat window with the rest of the students. Well every time I would respond to something or say something into the chat, this one dude, Charles, would say “No”…like immediately after. It woulda been funny if it was happening to someone other than me. It happened three times and then I started typing stuff just to see if he would say “No” after it.  Yea…the teacher mighta noticed. Laughed and moved on. But talk about awkward.

Anyway, so hump day video to get you through til Friday and the weekend — here it is. I picked this video because i was patrolling facebook and I was thinking how far it has come…in the negative direction. Sure, it has it’s positives — it allows me to keep in touch with my high school friends, college friends, and others that I have met along the way…but, every time I am up on there, it is almost guaranteed that I see one of those vague posts that is like letting everyone in on the inside joke except no one knows the whole story and so therefore the post is stupid. Yea — those are annoying. And then there are the posts that people put up throwing themselves pity parties and I am all like you created your bed, lie in it except I don’t want to be that guy who is the dick cause my mom says if you have nothing good to say don’t say anything at all. And I mean the worst part — I am prolly guilty of it to from time to time — what bothers me is it’s mostly the same people who do it over and over again, at least on my facebook. Anyway, there are other things, but I need more coffee before I take them on, so we will call this part 1 of facebook rant and get on with the video!

drum roll pleeeeeeeeeeeasssseeeee!

i SOOOOO want this as a ringback tone — for what people hear when they call my phone…so far, no luck on that.

And now for something truely disgusting…

So I been thinkin for a few days now that it is time to update this thing. Here is my problem: every time I think about updating this thing, only one topic comes to mind… poop. Yes, I am serious. I mean, look at all of the things that poop has to do with: work, every day life, that special private time (what I call “becca time”) that you get when you’re in the potty and no one bothers you….animals fling poop…yea. They do. So naturally, this subject kept coming back to mind when I would think about what to write about, ’cause it wasn’t leaving until I did this… 😀

With all that noted, I been wondering if most people are like me and think about what they are going to do during their special time that they get each day. I like to read when I have “becca time”; I believe that is an inherited trait, as I learned by example from my elders… I mean seriously, my dad had it right man, you live in a house with your wife and two kids who always need something and the only quiet time you get, guaranteed, is in the potty. Reading only makes sense.

So anyway, back to my point — I been wondering what other people do in the potty. It isn’t like I have some sick desire to watch people sit and crap all day, but I do want to know if you, like me, read during your “you time”; do you play on your laptop; do you listen to your ipod or watch a movie on your ipod; do you stare at the wall; DO YOU HAVE A TV IN YOUR POTTY CAUSE YOU THOUGHT AHEAD?!???!

I know I can’t be the only one who wonders this. OOH! And here is another thought, also about poop… do you poop at work or in public, or will you only poop at your house? Are you like me where the girls bathroom is only one room and in between the offices of your boss’ boss, and your immediate boss’ husband and you feel like if you pooped at work you would get razzed until long after the smell left the room? Yea, true story, I feel like I can’t poop at work.

So yea, seriously… what’s your story?

Happy Hump Day!

Happy hump day (Wednesday) dear readers!  I have decided Wednesdays will be our fun video day to get us over the hump of Wednesday and through the rest of the week!

Before I present to you this week’s winner of videos, I need to let you in on some recent thoughts I have been having about where I am currently residing. Born and raised as a city girl, the rural areas of these United States are not only foreign but just awkward for me. I am currently living in the middle of bible belt country. Yes, that means in the middle of nowhere. With that said, you must have assumed the bugs are outrageous, weird, and everything in between!

Now, gimme a little credit, I have seen my fair share of weird bugs coming from a family of scientists (yes, my entire family is a little….odd); however, the bugs I saw in my childhood pale in comparison to the ones I have seen out here. ALL OF THE BUGS ARE ON STEROIDS! NO! I am NOT exaggerating. Tarantulas are out in the wild (not in terrariums where I have always seen them before, not kept as pets), centipedes are as thick as your thumb and as long as your foot (seriously, huge with black body armor, making them difficult to kill) and there are these hybrid bee-fly things that follow you and bite you. Now a few anecdotes for you….

The first on these huge roid’ed out bugs — when I catch them in my house, I quickly grab a shoe, shout a battle cry and beat the crap out of them, as many times as it takes. But, when I am walking around the area outside and these hybrid bee-fly things come up and start flying around, life gets bad. I was walking last night, just strolling along… I had just left my friend, Michelle’s house when one of these bee-flies came up and bit my leg. I started to run away and it FOLLOWED ME! To give you the mental image, I was running and waving my arms, open-palmed, in slapping movements screaming obscenities. Yea, I bet people thought I was crazy…. here I am, running, and screaming and the bastard is STILL managing to bite me! It was AWFUL!  So I promptly texted Michelle and told her one of those bee-flies was hunting me down and trying to eat me. She laughed.

Anyway, now I am afraid of these fly-bees and yet cannot catch them to kill me. So, with all of that said, I now present you with your video of the week, to get you over the hump of Wednesday and through the rest of the week to the weekend!

This video will be super hilarious if you ever had to read Farenheit 451 in school and if not, it will still provide you with entertainment! Enjoy!

kickin Monday’s ass with 90s music

Born and raised in Northern VA, I can say we’re a pretty self-centered bunch. Raised with egomania which would make royalty stagger and thoughts of self-entitlement, we’re taught to believe that the world revolves around us.  So here I am, bringing you a healthy dose of narcissism… writing a blog about my shit because even though people may not be interested in stuff like poo flinging ninja monkeys and leprechauns that shit cauldrons and not rainbows, I have decided to document it all.

So this is my first post ever, and I guess I should notify you that I am a little insane….ok a lot insane. I make no apologies about anything I am going to say or for my grammar which inherently blows ass.

Mondays always suck. But this Monday will NOT hurt me! I have downloaded 100 greatest dance hits of the 90s and these awesome dance hits will protect me!  HAH! Take THAT Monday!!!!

Aside from beating Monday into submission this week, I fully intend to accomplish something but dunno what that is yet. Anyhow. I think it is time to end off, while Marky Mark plays.